asexual-dating
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14 Things to Know About Dating as an Asexual Person ===================================================
Are you on the asexuality spectrum and interested in dating? If so, this guide is for you!
Yes, you can find romance if you’re looking for it!
Yes, you might already know this intellectually. But because there’s a misconception that romance isn’t accessible to people on the asexuality spectrum who want it, it can still be helpful to hear (er, read)!
“Dating and forming romantic relationships is absolutely possible for asexual people,” says Kayla Kaszyca, co-host of “Sounds Fake But Okay,” a podcast about asexuality and aromanticism.
“The broad definition of asexuality is little to no sexual attraction,” she says. “That doesn’t say anything about romantic attraction or partnerships.” True!
Who you date will likely depend on your romantic orientation
In case you don’t know: People have a sexual orientation *and* a romantic orientation.
“Someone might be asexual and homoromantic, or asexual and biromantic, or any other combination,” Kaszyca explains.
A nonexhaustive list of common romantic orientations includes:
Knowing your identity can be helpful
Do you need to have your list of identifiers locked under key before embarking on a dating journey? No, not at all!
But Kaszyca, who is demisexual, says it can be helpful. Knowing your identity can help you know your boundaries around sexual activity, she explains.
When she was first figuring out where she is on the asexuality spectrum, she says, “I had a lot of anxiety and nervousness around going on dates because I didn’t know what to do if someone wanted to hook up or have sex with me.”
Once she learned the label “demisexual,” she found it easier to explain her personal boundaries and needs around sex.
Figure out if you want to date someone else on the asexuality spectrum
Or, if you’re comfortable dating someone who is allosexual.
“Some people on the asexuality spectrum prefer to date other people on the asexuality spectrum because there’s an immediate understanding of your experience as asexual,” Kaszyca says.
Often, dating someone who’s also asexual results in less anxiety around sex or the pressure to have sex down the line, she adds.
But some people on the asexuality spectrum are totally comfortable dating someone allosexual, and maybe even enjoy sex despite not experiencing sexual attraction.
“Typically, someone’s feelings on dating someone who’s allosexual will depend on whether or not they’re sex-repulsed, sex-neutral, or something else altogether,” Kaszyca explains.
To determine your own preference on this topic, you may find it helpful to ask yourself these questions:
Consider your thoughts on being in a long-distance relationship
According to Kaszyca, “It’s relatively common for asexual people to be in long-distance relationships with other asexual people where they don’t see each other often, or meet in person ever.”
Thinking through your own thoughts on being long-distance may help you determine how you’ll meet someone (IRL or URL). Or, if URL, the max distance between you that feels doable for you for regular visits.
The best place to meet another asexual person is online
The online asexual community is poppin’!
“We’re all over the internet!” says Yasmin Benoit, MSc, asexuality activist and creator of the hashtag #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike. “There’s an ace community on pretty much every platform.”
“There’s /asexuality on Reddit, asexuality Facebook groups, and asexual folks on Tumblr,” Benoit explains. “There’s also an ace community on Twitter, Instagram, and Discord.”
Plus, Benoit says, “the AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) forums, which have been around for decades, are often a starting point for a lot of people.”
You might try meeting another asexual person on asexual-specific dating platforms
Yep, those exist!
Kaszyca recommends checking out Asexuals.net, which is a dating website, or Asexual Cupid, which is an asexual-specific dating app.
These can be great because you won’t have to worry about acting as Asexuality Google. Or about debunking asexuality myths and misconceptions, which can get exhausting.
As Kaszyca says, “It’s uncommon to be able to tell someone ‘I’m asexual’ or ‘I’m demisexual’ and have them know what you mean.”
You can try other dating apps, too
Some dating apps like OKCupid allow you to indicate that you’re asexual right in your bio (the way other folks might indicate “lesbian” or “heterosexual”).
Of course, the dating apps that don’t have this option (Tinder, Bumble, Lex, and the like) allow you to indicate as much in your bio if you want to!
“I’d definitely recommend putting it in your bio just to save some time,” Benoit says. “If it’s a deal breaker, then it’s best to know that from the start so that neither of you waste any of your time.” Makes sense.
Statistically speaking, meeting an allosexual person IRL may be easier
“Somewhere between 1 and 5 percent of the population is asexual,” Kaszyca says. About the same percentage as the number
or people who
, that’s a sizable amount.
But with 95 to 99 percent of the population identifying as allosexual, it’s statistically easier to meet someone allosexual in person.
Regardless, to meet someone in person you might:
How and when to come out as asexual
So you met someone at a bar who you’re totally vibing. Or you’ve been chatting up a cutie from Tinder and didn’t put “asexual” in your bio. How and when should you come out?
There’s no one-size-fits-all rule.
“It depends on how well you know the person,” Benoit says.
“If you’re comfortable with the person and you’ve already gotten to know each other, then you might find it easier to tell them in person,” she says. “However, there’s no shame in doing it over a text or an online message. In fact, it can be easier to share resources that way.”
Benoit explains that many people don’t know what asexuality is, or what it means for dating. Text messaging allows you to send links that’ll do the explaining for you.
You might say:
How to navigate sex, if it’s something you do want to try or have
Some ace folks do have an interest in having sex, for a variety of reasons.
This might be to:
If having sex is something you do want to do, have a conversation with your partner ahead of time about:
What being asexual means for your sexual and reproductive health
Not much!
It’s not your sexual orientation that determines your risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and potential for pregnancy.
It’s factors such as the:
In other words: It is possible to be asexual and transmit or contract an STI. And it is possible to be asexual and become pregnant.
No matter what, your boundaries are valid
“It can be hard to honor your boundaries in a relationship as an ace person because you’re told by society that the way you experience desire is abnormal,” says Angela Chen, author of “Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex.”
Because of that, she says it can be helpful to constantly remind yourself that your boundaries are valid, and that any allosexual (or asexual) person who makes you feel like they aren’t, isn’t deserving of you.
“Your needs and desires aren’t less important because they’re less common,” Chen says.
The bottom line
“It’s definitely possible for someone who’s asexual to be in a romantic relationship that is happy and healthy,” Chen says.
Does dating as an asexual person require some self-reflection, self-knowing, and boundary-setting? You betcha! But that’s just dating in a nutshell.
Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a queer sex educator and wellness journalist who is committed to helping people feel the best they can in their bodies. In addition to Healthline, her work has appeared in publications such as Shape, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, Health, Self, Women’s Health, Greatist, and more! In her free time, Gabrielle can be found coaching CrossFit, reviewing pleasure products, hiking with her border collie, or recording episodes of the podcast she co-hosts called Bad In Bed. Follow her on Instagram @Gabriellekassel.
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